Day 2: Everybody Sharts

Alright, let’s get right into it.

Well, wait, first….hmm.

How do I put this…

OK, listen:
There’s not a person on this planet who hasn’t sharted at least once. And I am no exception.

Prelude:

My afternoon mimicked the previous one, where I became hungry faster than anticipated. I am noticing that on keto you can be absolutely fine one moment — and the next, the hunger comes on insistently, with priority and without remorse.

This sent me for the cheese cubes. I also unearthed a ratio Keto Friendly Crunchy Bar, which I received in a recent Green Chef meal kit as a bonus. Odd, since nothing else in the meal kit was actually keto, nor did I tell them anything about my plans. But cool.

I washed that down with a strawberry Waterloo. 30 minutes later – still kind of hungry. So, I made another argula salad with avocado, which did the trick.

It was a busy day of meetings, back to back really. After maybe the 7th one of the day, I started to feel a little lethargic. My brain pinged — KETO FLU!

Now, every day at some critical mass of consecutive video calls, I feel drained of all life. But in this moment I was convinced it was because my body was rejecting keto, fully rebelling in fact — and something needed to be done immediately. I made a beeline to the kitchen to mix my exogeneous ketone powder with water. Based on the instructions, I was only to use half a scoop, until I was sure my stomach could tolerate it. Sure.

It turned out a pretty pink:

I sipped it casually — hmm..kind of good. I could drink these. A couple more calls, a couple more sips — I got this. One last call.

I sign on and greet the person on the other side. Everything is so bright.

Uh everything is so bright!

My overhead light became oppressive and I squinted to see. I started to talk a bit and my words tumbled out like mushy oatmeal. Hard stop.

“Excuse me, give me one second.”

I chugged a bunch of water off camera, then continued the meeting.

“Ok, would you like to begin? What’s new?”

Cool cool cool cool cool. I do not feel normal. But, also, not in an overall bad way. Is this appropriate at this moment?

The Shart

Mercifully, it was my last meeting of the day. I signed off and checked my status. Edgy, a little edgy. I sat on the couch and caught up on my texts from the day. Braided my braids. Caught up on NYT headlines. Pushed out a little fart…

A warm pot de creme washed over my lower extremities. Pictured in my head, bacteria in a petri dish. Communicated through my eyes, utter shame and fear. In my pants, a shart.

I ran upstairs to my bathroom, kind of crying out, kind of laughing? On my 70th baby wipe, my boyfriend texts me. The overwhelming urge to confess!

I took a scalding shower, using two different types of soap. I slathered on smell good lotions and lit a candle. I will never feel clean again.

But, I’ll probably keep doing exogeneous ketones.

Finally recovered, I made a dinner of broiled salmon and brussels sprouts. Washed it down with 2 glasses of Pinot Noir, which pairs very well with sharting yourself on election night, 2020.

Meal summary:

Breakfast: Bulletproof Coffee

Snack: Ratio Keto Friendly Crunchy Bar + Colby Jack Snack Cubes

Lunch: Arugula Salad, Simply Dressed (evoo, lemon, s&p) + Avocado

Dinner: Broiled Salmon + Brussels Sprouts with Garlic, Lemon & Thyme

Day summary, courtesy of Lifesum:

Can’t argue with perfect!

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